Throughout my entire using career, in being addicted to and abusing several substances since the age of 15, it seems that the most evil demon of them all was my addiction to heroin and opiates. I was gripped by heroin and other heavy prescription opiates for a total of 6 years, and it just would not let go. I mean–I don’t even really prefer the high, I just could not function–hell, I could not breathe without it. It began with trying heroin (the one on my ‘DO NOT TRY’ list) one night at a party, I was in love with a boy, whom loved heroin and of course I wasn’t going to say “no.” It progressed into smoking heroin daily with this boy, selling, and eventually all of my resistance was futile, as the addiction progressed into IV use. The black nightmare had become a harsh reality for me: a young, intelligent and beautiful girl with serious potential. It went up and down, back and forth, but I couldn’t shake this dark devil that used me daily. I even managed to become pregnant, give birth, and gain 13 months of clean time. In recovery, I had responsibilities, great connections, and the best intentions, yet I still went back to heroin; she’s evil.
I remember always trying to avoid being sick, that was my main goal for a long time. I hated using, but had to in order to function. I sold the drugs I used, in order to maintain the habit, and lied to everyone I loved. For my addiction and substance abuse problems, I went through numerous lengths trying to get better. I tried in-patient and out-patient rehabs, AA and NA meetings, Methadone and Suboxone maintenance treatments, and I cannot count how many times I tried to get clean and conquer it on my own. All, while proving to be helpful in gaining knowledge and support, were unsuccessful in getting and keeping me off drugs. It wasn’t until I desperately left the country, seeking an unconventional detox method, that I found something that worked. Inside, I was so done with living in a shadow that I would’ve tried anything at that point to end it. I didn’t want to withdraw from heroin again, I had 6 times before that, and I just couldn’t take anymore torture. In desperation, I awkwardly prayed to an unknown God for an escape from my created hell, and my prayer was more than answered…
This is an account of my experience with the psychedelic medicine from Africa, Ibogaine, and how it freed me from an addiction to heroin, with virtually no withdrawal symptoms. Not only did this miracle medicine get me off of drugs, but it came with a powerful psychedelic trip into my own unconscious world, where I experienced a life-changing message from a higher source that would never leave me.
I left Monday for my 7-day retreat to Mexico fully loaded. I remember shooting my last shot directly into my neck in the bathroom before I left; it was the only vein I had left. Upon arrival, I had a bunch of medical tests done and spoke with a doctor. When the doctor was explaining the risks, I interrupted to say that I would rather die trying to get clean, than continue to live and use. I was serious. I wanted to be clean so desperately, that I was willing to die during the process. We spent two days getting used to the environment, learning about the medicine, and writing down questions and intentions for our experience with Ibogaine.
Wednesday evening, I took the medicine in four doses. I remember it’ taking an unusually long time to take effect. I was afraid that it might not work, given that I’ve taken so many drugs. About an hour and a half into it, I started to feel it. The first thing I experienced was a loud buzzing noise that sounded like an old-school cooler or refrigerator. As the buzzing got louder, sounds from the soft meditation music in the background started to warp and blend. I closed my eyes and pulled the nighttime mask that was provided to me over my head. The buzzing continued to get louder and started to change frequencies. I felt an all over body high, similar to the feeling that nitrous oxide has when held in the lungs for a while. I was a little freaked out, but told myself to relax. I felt a feeling of warmth spreading over me, beginning in my abdomen and moving upwards. I realized that I wasn’t able to move my body at this point. The fire-like feeling moved to my brain, and the buzzing sound had turned into a mixture of electricity, creaking, crunching, and scraping. It was an amplified nails-on-a-chalkboard sort of sound. I remember thinking to myself that it was the sound of my unconscious brain fusing together with my conscious brain, and then thinking it was cool that I could be experiencing this and still have my own introspective perspective on it all. The Ibogaine wasn’t taking away my own personality, just beginning to add a little experience to it, unlike any psychedelic I had tried before. The sound I was hearing had shifted from a high frequency electrical voltage sound to a low, alternating sound, like tribal drums being played at a ceremony. I had not yet begun to experience its full effect, but I got a strong sense of the medicine’s African origin when I heard this. I felt fear gripping me, as I realized how powerful and intense this medicine was going to be, and that there was no turning back. I let go of the fear, surrendered, and was greeted with my first vision.
Like raindrops on a window, this first vision dripped down onto the screen which was my consciousness. I saw a vague figure of a man standing in a frame, full color. Behind him, trailing on and on and on, were several men in frames just the same way, except black and white. It was like when you’re standing between two mirrors and your reflection trails on forever, except it was someone else, an unfamiliar man. Then, I saw the all-color man in front take a step and walk through the doorway. I thought of Harry Potter, I don’t know why, then I instinctively opened my eyes, and the vision disappeared. I looked around and saw that reality was very distorted, like a mushroom trip. I also noticed that all of my senses were heightened, like 10x-amplified; the whispers that I was hearing from the doctors and nurses across the room, were right in my ear. The smell of lavender oil from a cloth I had placed on my chest, was now penetrating every single cell in my body. I was dizzy beyond belief and could only wiggle my fingers and toes, because I knew, intuitively, that if I would’ve moved any more of my body I would’ve purged. It was so very intense. Once I closed my eyes again, things got a little crazy.
Vision after vision appeared rapidly, full color and 3D, and it was so much that I could barely process what I was seeing. Before I could grasp what was happening in one vision, another would pop up and be even crazier than the last. Images were all connected to each other and flowing in and out, through strange transitions. Sometimes images would swirl into each other, sometimes they would drip. There were many vortex/wormhole like visions, like falling through tunnels. I felt as if I was floating through another dimension many times. Colors were bright and often opposites, like in Andy Warhol pop-art. I started to notice one, strange particular transition repeating over and over. It was a red background, with an image of a yellow, girls’ cowboy boot that would swing down and kick another vision into my consciousness. I remember thinking how weird it was that a boot kept appearing. I waited for the boot to reappear, and when it did I mentally grabbed it and hung on.
I guess the Ibogaine was fully in effect at this point, because suddenly I was held in one vision. Everything froze, as I stared at what appeared to be me suspended in between two worlds. It was crisp and clear. I felt like I was hovering. To the left of my vision was Earth. Brown and green mountains, landscape, blue water. I was looking down on it. To the right of my vision was space: vast, still, and endless. I could see stars, planets, and galaxies upon an infinite black canvas. I got a sense of the immense size of everything and nothing, of cosmic consciousness. I felt amazingly intelligent, as if I had all of the knowledge of the world and beyond downloaded into me. Right in front of me, down the middle of these two worlds, was a rainbow bridge that I could’ve walked on if I had tried. As I was looking, I knew it was all being shown to me by a higher form of consciousness, but although it was a source higher than me, it also felt as if it was me. The ‘higher me’ was using this body to show it all to myself, and I suddenly understood the sheer truth behind everything. I wondered how I could possibly take what I was seeing, and everything I was understanding, and explain it in human language. The response I got was this:
“You are the key.”
I was the key??? Okaaay, whatever that means...
More visions began to speed by again, and I did a quick scan of my body. I had been laying in the same position for nearly three hours–it was time to move. As I had predicted, the second my body moved I purged. That experience of vomiting, in itself, was a crazy trip–while my eyes were closed I was having visions that were in sync with it. I felt as if I was being shot out of my own mouth down a neon, Ninja-Turtle tunnel, all while tasting the incredibly nasty taste of the Iboga root mixed with stomach acid. It was such a trip! Once I was done, I had to sense my way back into a laying position, because the lights were so bright that I could barely open my eyes.
Once I settled, visions continued on randomly, most of them I can’t remember. There was one in which I saw what I believe to be a past life. It was the lower half of a woman, wearing what looked like a dress from the 1920’s, or earlier. Another vision, that I can’t forget, was of what I know the future will be for human beings on Earth. I was floating through buildings, looking down on Earth, and I come to a grass clearing. I had a bird’s-eye view of several thousand human beings, all together. It looked sort of like I was looking down on a rave or music festival, except there was no DJ and no one was dancing. Instead of vibrations coming from speakers, the vibrations were coming from these humans. They were all huddled in circles, circling more circles, circling more. They were all holding one another and coming together in peace, love, and harmony. I could feel the powerful energy rising off of these human beings, as each soul recognized the soul of the other as its own. It was a giant, spiraling human hug, with every person radiating the pure intentions of love and oneness. As I looked down at the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, it felt like every single cell in me was crying tears of joy and awe; I felt tears streaming down my face. I remember asking the higher source, “Why can’t it be like this now?” Again, I was told that I am the key.
Over and over, I got the message that I AM it all.
I am what was talking, I am what was listening; I am the question, I am the answer. I am the problem, and I am the solution. I am everything, and there is no difference; there is no time, it’s all ONE. I AM BOTH THE EXPERIENCE AND THE EXPERIENCING.
Gradually, the visions began to fade out and reality started to come back. It had been 9 hours since I took my first dose of Ibogaine, and the sunlight of the next day had begun to shine through cracks in the window curtains of the clinic. I was so psychologically and physically worked, that I felt as if I had just run a full marathon with no training. I was not all there and my senses were still extremely heightened. I couldn’t move. With no energy whatsoever, I was forced to just lay there and think about everything I had just witnessed. I wanted badly to fall asleep, but I could not. Hours passed, and eventually I passed out for a full day.
When I woke up it was 10 am on Friday morning. I remember intense hunger being my first feeling when I opened my eyes. The second feeling was the best ever. I looked around and everything was fresh, I felt as a kid does, and like I had just taken 10,000 psychological showers- I was clean, not under the influence of any opiates. Colors were brighter, sounds were more clear, the taste of fresh fruit and coconut water, as I scarfed it down in a hurry, was one of the best experiences of my life. Thank God almighty, I was free from heroin at last!
I spent the next few days recovering at the house in Rosarito. I had minor restless legs and trouble adjusting my skin to the temperature around me, but other than that: no withdrawals! I had to have a blanket around me for a few days, but managed to gain enough energy by Saturday to ride horses on the beach, eat a full meal, and I even pooped– something I had gone over a week without doing. My acne had magically cleared up, and my skin was glowing. I had no desire to smoke a cigarette, eat sugar, drink coffee, or use heroin, or any drugs. I put on a sun dress, and headed for San Diego on Sunday morning, sad to leave the luxury, but ready to continue my life clean. I was given Iboga-booster capsules, which had a different (more mild) form of the plant in them, to help with cravings. They produced a mild and slightly psychedelic feeling, but helped. All the other troubles that come with getting off of heroin came, like difficulty with digesting and sleeping for a few weeks. It has been about 9 months since I experienced Ibogaine, and I am still clean.
What I expected/hoped the Ibogaine would show me was that my addiction was manifesting because of an issue that needed to be dealt with. But, what Ibogaine showed me, was that there was no problem. When I was laying there after the visions, forced into introspection, I came to this conclusion:
As a drug addict, I have been searching for a different state of consciousness in drugs, but that does not make me a bad or damaged human being. I haven’t been messing life up this whole time, I’ve been searching for something else. The experience of Ibogaine showed me that what I have been searching for, I already am. What a relief! Now the whole thing just looks stupid and pointless! I figured that if it was all one thing, then there isn’t a need to resist…there are no mistakes. I can learn to achieve these higher states without using, whenever I want. The one and only thing I have been after my entire life is freedom. That is all I want. Isn’t it what we all want?
I decided to seek spirit and let go of the battle, it was clear to me that my addiction now had served its purpose. I knew I had to adopt a completely new lifestyle, and I went on to do just that. The Ibogaine worked; it freed me from active addiction in a day, and it gave me a powerful message to take home with me. I am still clean today because I took that message seriously. I have changed friends, locations, phone numbers, diet, daily practice, and routine, even my name, all in order to better suit a healthy, drug-free lifestyle.
Ibogaine can work for anyone, but in order for the treatment to be successful, two things need to be in place:
1.) The person has to truly want to be clean, 100%. They have to be the ones to choose to do this medicine.
2.) The person must be willing to change the way they live, after the Ibogaine treatment is over. They must be willing to adopt a new lifestyle, with new people, places, and things.
This was my unique, personal experience with Ibogaine and unlike any other. Peoples’ experiences with Ibogaine may vary greatly, and it isn’t always an enjoyable one. But looking back on it all, I can say that this medicine is nothing short of a miracle, no matter how it is experienced. It was created by nature, and its power to help cure human beings is remarkable. Not only does it help with addiction, but also has been proven to help with depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and spiritual growth.
In the US, Ibogaine is classified as a Schedule I, meaning ‘they say’ there is no medicinal value and potential for abuse is high. Ibogaine does not need to be used more than once and is so intense that it could not be a party fad. I could not be addicted to this, and trust me: I know addiction! So why would our country make such an gigantic mistake? Well, it obvious: it isn’t a mistake. Ibogaine threatens the pharmaceutical companies’ profits and reputation. It cannot be patented and it works, therefore it will cost them money. No. People are dying! It’s time for the truth to come out; no more profiting off of the addictions of our own species! No more creating problems and hiding solutions, all for money…it is paper! This is wrong! There is a cure!
IBOGAINE SAVES LIVES!!!
I wanted to share my experience to help spread the word of this powerful little root from Africa. Of all the addicts I talk to about this medicine, only about 2 in 10 are familiar with it; this needs to change. It is my responsibility to do everything I can in honor of the psychedelic savior, Ibogaine, to spread awareness. I have the gift of surrender, introspection, self-awareness, and writing…literally I know now…